NEWSPAPER NONSENSE

Newspaper titles can produce some weird, wonderful and wacky anagrams: MONKEYS WRITE the NEW YORK TIMES, while THE SCOTSMAN (Edinburgh) HASN'T COST ME, and London's sexy tabloid, THE NEWS OF THE WORLD, is a HOT, LEWD SHEET (FROWN) with HOT, TENDER FLESH. WOW!

These and many other computer-generated anagrams can be obtained easily (and free of charge) from either of two Internet servers, run by computer wizards William Tunstall-Pedoe, of Cambridge, England (http://www.AnagramGenius.com) and Anu Garg, of Columbus, Ohio (http://www.wordsmith.org)

"Anagrams never lie," says Garg. Readers can make up their minds about that after reading these mind-boggling and often hilarious anagrams those websites disclose to perceptive Internet surfers:

The NEW YORK TIMES can be shown to contain KEEN WORTHY ITEMS or else THE MONKEYS WRITE it.

TIME MAGAZINE suggests readers should GAZE MAIN ITEM, but warns of a MEGA MAZE IN IT.

EDITOR AND PUBLISHER can be shuffled to read SHIPBOARD INTERLUDE.

READER'S DIGEST is A DRESSED TIGER which DERIDES GREATS.

Letters of the two words FORBES MAGAZINE yield an amazing number of strange anagrams. Ten of them, read in sequence, reveal a comical dialogue: A BIG NAME'S FROZE! FROZE? BEAM A SIGN! BRAINS OF ME - GAZE! BEAM IN FOR "GAZES." GAZE IF SOBER, MAN... BRIEF GAZES (MOAN). GAZE SO BRIEF, MAN. GRAB SIZE OF NAME! GRAB FAME ON SIZE! SIZE OF NAME? BRAG!

THE GLOBE AND MAIL (Toronto, Canada) is seen as GENIAL, HOT, BLAMED or ABLE, HOT, MALIGNED.

The letters forming THE IRISH TIMES disclose six anagrams which, when read in sequence, form some sort of mad dialogue: Either hit, miss; Either? It's Hims! I? Him? Reset this! I reset this - him. There it is - hims! I merit the hiss.

BELFAST TELEGRAPH can be tranformed into LARGE, FAT BET HELPS. Mix the letters again, and they say SLEPT - GRAB THE FLEA!

SUNDAY BUSINESS POST (Dublin) can be shuffled to read SITS ON UNUSED BYPASS. Mix them again, and they say ASSESS PUBS ON NUDITY.

Someone reading THE SCOTSMAN (Edinburgh) boasts that it HASN'T COST ME! Another rather cryptic anagram is TEN STOMACHS.

A London newspaper, THE DAILY EXPRESS, can claim I HELP SEXY STAR!

Another, THE GUARDIAN, can be shuffled to say HUGE, RADIANT. Mix the letters again, and they produce the less complimentary HIT AND ARGUE, or (worse still) DRAINAGE HUT.

THE OBSERVER has a SEVERE THROB that EVER BOTHERS THE SOBER REV.

THE MAIL ON SUNDAY can claim that it LEADS ON HUMANITY. Mix the letters again, and they say HALO MEANS NUDITY! and reply with another anagram, A HALO? DENY I'M NUTS!

The letters forming the words THE INDEPENDENT can say it's THE INTENDED PEN or THE INDENTED PEN. Or PENNED, THEN EDIT. Eight other anagrams combine to tell a strange story: THEN NEEDED PINT (NET IN-DEPTH NEED), NEEDED TENTH NIP, (NEEDED NINTH, PET), PINT END THE NEED, NEED TENTH - PINED, TENTH ENDED PINE. THE END (PENNED IT).

The CAMBRIDGE EVENING NEWS (England) is NICE GEM, NEVER WINDBAGS.

The FINANCIAL TIMES is FINE (italics), MAN!

The Daily Telegraph (London, Sydney, or Bluefield, West Virginia) can be shuffled to read THE PLAYER: A DELIGHT! or THE REALLY HATED PIG. One of them (guess which) can be transformed into A HEALTHY RED PIGLET, another A HYPED, LETHAL TIGER.

THE STRAITS TIMES (Singapore) claims IT IS THE SMARTEST. IT'S THE SMART SITE. ITS ITEMS SHATTER.

Australia's SYDNEY MORNING HERALD is MERRY, DANDY ON ENGLISH. Its stablemate, the AUSTRALIAN FINANCIAL REVIEW, is INFLUENTIAL (VIEW AS A RAIN ARC) offering FAIR VALUE IN ANTI-RACIAL NEWS.

And the NEW ZEALAND HERALD (Auckland) can be shuffled to read ALL WARNED: END HAZE or A DAZED HEN RAN WELL (like a Kiwi footballer).

Here is a list of anagrams for the titles of leading US newspapers (e-mail me if I've missed any important publication):

AKRON BEACON-JOURNAL says OK ON A JOCULAR BANNER (it must sometimes display amusing banner headlines). Another anagram indicates AN OK, AN ABLE, CONJUROR.

ARIZONA REPUBLIC = CRAZE, BOIL UP RAIN!... BLUE RAZOR! I PANIC... RAZOR IN A CLUB PIE.

Atlanta JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION = JUST IT, OR CONTINUAL NO! Or JUST OR LUNATIC NOTION?

Austin (Texas) AMERICAN STATESMAN = AM SMART, NICE AS NEAT; MAINSTREAM, SANE ACT; NASTIEST CAMERAMAN.

THE BALTIMORE SUN = THIS MATURE NOBLE or NOBLE? THAT I'M SURE; BETTER MINUS HALO or even NOT HUMBLE (SATIRE!).

BUSINESS FIRST can be shuffled to say IS BEST FUN, SIRS. Mix them again, and you find it FITS BUS SIRENS.

THE BOSTON GLOBE = HOT, BEST ON GLOBE; SHOOT! BET! BELONG! And as a third choice, HOT, GENTLE BOOBS.

CAMBRIDGE CHRONICLE (Mass.) = CHOICE, GRAND CLIMBER or BOLD, RICH GEM, NICE CAR! Its stablemate, CAMBRIDGE TAB = BIG CAR, MAD BET.

CHARLOTTE OBSERVER = BRAVE, HOTTER, CLOSER. It's a newspaper with ABLER, HOTTER COVERS which give things a RATHER CLEVER BOOST.

CHARLOTTE SUN HERALD = CUTE, NEAT, DROLL, HARSH.

CHICAGO SUN-TIMES can be shuffled to show that this newspaper is AMUSING, CHOICEST! Mix them again, and you find that it ISN'T CHOICE AS GUM and IS CATCHING MOUSE.

The CHICAGO TRIBUNE wins a prize for BIG, RICH - BINGO! and for being a BIG ANCHOR CUTIE with A BIG, NICER TOUCH.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR = IS COMIC, INTERIOR ENCHANTS; IT IS CHIC, MAIN CORNERSTONE

CINCINNATI POST? Well, ANTS PICNIC ON IT. Mix them again, and you find INSTINCT IN A COP or CAN'T TIP IN COINS.

Cleveland's THE PLAIN DEALER can be shuffled to read DERAIL ELEPHANT. Mix the letters again, and you find the newspaper has A DIRE, LETHAL PEN.

THE (Columbus, Ohio) DAILY REPORTER can be shuffled to form two apparently related anagrams, revealing that a HYPER ALERT EDITOR REPORTED HEARTILY.

COLUMBUS DISPATCH (Ohio) = I'M UP-BOLD, SUCH ACTS! Or COULD THUMP BASICS, or even CLUBS THIS MAD COUP.

DALLAS MORNING NEWS = NORMAL WIN: GLADNESS; NOW SANER, MILD SLANG.

THE DENVER POST = EVENTS OR DEPTH; PREVENTED SHOT, or TENDER TV HOPES.

DENVER ROCKY MOUNTAIN NEWS can be re-arranged to say SUNNY, DOWN-MARKET (OVER-NICE?). Mix them again, and they tell you that an UNKNOWN SECRETARY MOVED IN.

DESERET NEWS, SALT LAKE CITY can be shuffled to read SWEETER, SLICK (SAY TALENTED) . Mix them again, and you find it LIKES NEWLY-CREATED STATES and prints STATELY ARTICLES WEEKENDS.

DETROIT FREE PRESS = FEED ITS REPORTERS; REFER EDITOR'S PETS; SETS REPORTED FIRE.

THE DETROIT NEWS can be shuffled to say it's WISE TO THE TREND with a RED-HOT, TENSE WIT. Mix the letters again, and they recall that in the RED-HOT TWENTIES THE EDITORS WENT. IT'S TETHERED NOW, but still NEEDS HOTTER WIT. ON THE WEIRD TEST it WRITES TO THE END. NOW EDIT THE REST!

EL PASO TIMES also spells A POET SMILES. Mix the letters again, and they say SEEMS A PILOT who AIMS TO SLEEP.

FLORIDA TIMES-UNION (TFTU) = FOUR INITIALS DEMON with INSIDE FORMULATION; UNDO INFORMALITIES; I'M A SOLUTION, FRIEND.

FORT LAUDERDALE SUN-SENTINEL can be mixed to show that this newspaper is NEAT (UNDERLINED) OR FAULTLESS. Shuffled again, they say it has a FAULTLESS RETURN ON DEADLINE.

FORT WORTH STAR-TELEGRAM = SMART GROWTH, REFER TOTAL; GROWTH! (FARMER TO STARLET) or a cryptic LETTER ART FROM WARTHOGS.

THE HARTFORD COURANT yields these three anagrams: (1) TRUTH AND HERO FACTOR, (2) HURRAH TO NOTED CRAFT and (3) TRUTH AND/OR HOT FARCE.

HOUSTON CHRONICLE = RICH. NOTE, NO SLOUCH; CHERISH - NOT UNCOOL; RUN HONEST, CHIC LOO.

INDIANAPOLIS NEWS can be shuffled to say it's IDEAL, WINS ON A SPIN. Mix them again, and they suggest NOW SLIP IN AN ASIDE. And if you do that, you're rewarded by a WIN AND A LIP'S NOISE (that's a kiss!)

INDIANAPOLIS STAR can be shuffled to say it's A LAD'S INSPIRATION or INSPIRATIONAL, SAD. Mix them again, and they tell us that A SNAIL IS NOT RAPID. AND IT IS ON A SPIRAL!

The INVESTOR'S BUSINESS DAILY yields two highly complimentary anagrams: IS SUNNY, ASSORTED, VISIBLE and its BODY IS AS SUNNIEST SILVER.

KANSAS CITY STAR says SACK ANY ARTISTS! Mix those letters again, and you find that that ISN'T A SCARY TASK and that objections can be overcome by A SCANT, ARTY KISS.

LOS ANGELES TIMES is SO ELEGANT, SMILES. Or SO SLIM, AS GENTEEL, or even IS TENSE: SMALL EGO.

THE (MEMPHIS) COMMERCIAL APPEAL can also say CALL, COME, I AM THE PAPER! Mix them again, and they proclaim AM THE COMPILER PALACE.

THE MIAMI HERALD boasts HAIL! I'M THE DREAM; HI! I'M HAMLET, DEAR; HA! I'M THE IDEAL MR.

MILWAUKEE JOURNAL SENTINEL can also say JOLLIER, KEEN, MUTUAL, SANE WIN. Mix them again, and they tell you this newspaper is JEWEL-LIKE, LUMINOUS, NEAT RAN.

MINNEAPOLIS-ST.PAUL PIONEER PRESS can be shuffled to read SUNNIEST, PROPER, APPEASES MILLION. Mix them again, and you get a fine piece of alliteration: PRIME PURPLE POSITIONAL SANENESS.

MINNEAPOLIS - ST. PAUL STAR TRIBUNE can also read BRILLIANT! PURE, NEAT ASSUMPTIONS! Mix them again, and they say STIPULATION - LET'S BRAIN SUPERMAN!

NEWARK STAR-LEDGER can be shuffled to say WE'RE GRAND TALKERS who KNEW LARGE TRADERS.

NEW JERSEY TIMES can ask WIN? YES! (MERE JEST). Mix them again, and you find the reply: YES, I'M NEWER JEST.

NEWSDAY, LONG ISLAND can be shuffled to say DANDY AS WELL - SIGN ON! Mix them again, and they form AND NOW SADLY SINGLE or SNOW DELAYS LANDING.

THE NEW YORK TIMES (quoted earlier) can be shown to contain KEEN WORTHY ITEMS or else THE MONKEYS WRITE it.

THE OREGONIAN can be shuffled to read ONE GIANT HERO. Mix the letters again, and you find the message, NO! IGNORE HEAT! or GENERATION OH!

ORLANDO SENTINEL is DONE IN NEAT ROLLS; AND LOT ONE-LINERS. Its longer title, THE ORLANDO SENTINEL is TOLERANT, SHIELD NONE; but INTENSE ON THE DOLLAR.

PHILADELPHIA DAILY NEWS can be shuffled to say HAPPY HEADLINES WILL AID. Mix the letters again, and they boast WELL, I AN IDEAL HAPPY DISH!

PROVIDENCE JOURNAL-BULLETIN is ON ROLL, REJUVENATED IN PUBLIC.

(ROCHESTER) DEMOCRAT AND CHRONICLE can also say DECENT, CORDIAL - MARCH ON! (or ON MARCH). Mix them again, and you find the message CHARM CARTOON DECLINED, and the reply CARTOON DRENCHED - CLAIM!

THE SACRAMENTO BEE can be shuffled to say THE NAME? BEST OR ACE! Mix the letters again, and you find SERENE, COMBAT HEAT.

ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH can be re-arranged to show a puzzling SLID PAST THIS OCTOPUS. Mix them again, and you find STATISTICS SHOULD POP or AS POLITICS THUDS - STOP!

SALT LAKE TRIBUNE is LIKE BEST, NATURAL; IS NEAT, ALERT BULK.

SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS has SANER SEXINESS NOW ON TAP.

SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE = GENIUS, DUE BRAIN NOTION; OBTAINED INGENIOUS RUN; GENUINE BRAIN, NO STUDIO.

SAN FRANCISCO EXAMINER = NICE SCENARIO, MARX FANS!

The letters spelling SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS can also say WARMNESS CURES, ENJOY! or a somewhat cryptic CREW ENJOYS SURNAMES.

SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER can be shuffled to read GENTEEL, TALL RECEPTIONISTS. Mix the letters twice more, and you find INTERESTING, TALL TELESCOPE or POLTERGEIST TALENT LICENSE.

SEATTLE TIMES = SET LATE ITEMS; MEET ITS TALES.

THE TAMPA TRIBUNE can be shuffled to say THE BRAIN TEAM PUT (or BRAIN PUT THE TEAM). Mix them again, and they say REMAIN - BET THAT UP! or disclose a mysterious I'M A BETTER HAT PUN.

Top-selling national newspaper USA TODAY shouts OY! - US DATA, while USA TODAY NEWSPAPER can be re-arranged in A SANE, SUPPORTED WAY.

The 21 letters forming VERO BEACH PRESS JOURNAL (Florida) can be shuffled to read HE'S JOCULAR, BRAVE PERSON. Mix them again, and you get JOCULAR, SHARP - EVEN SOBER! And for a third anagram, you find the slogan OUR SHARP RELEVANCE: JOBS!

VIRGINIAN PILOT can be shuffled to say NIP IN - GO TRIVIAL! Mix the letters again, and you find OIL VIA PRINTING is PILING ON TRIVIA, with a LOVING PAIR IN IT, and a VIP IN TAILORING.

WALL ST. JOURNAL delivers a simple message: JOLT ALL, WARN US (is that us or U.S.?)

WASHINGTON POST can GASP ON THIS TOWN, or you may call it a GIANT TOWN'S SHOP.

THE WASHINGTON TIMES can be shuffled to read HONEST MIGHT, SANE WIT. Mix the letters twice more, and they say HAT ON - MIGHTIEST NEWS! followed by WHITE-HOT ASSIGNMENT!

The above article is available to any media outlet wishing to publish it, after contacting the author: eshackle@ozemail.com.au

Copyright 1999 Eric Shackle.